I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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