i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
