Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
