someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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