Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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