sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
