im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
