all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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