I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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