My hand turned me down
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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