I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
