Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
