she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
