Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
