god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Randomize
