my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
