I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize