What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
