my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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