Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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