You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
