Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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