we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
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