aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Sorry my hands just texted you
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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