Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
And then he peed in my hair
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