Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
