Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
