I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
