Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
