Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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