no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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