I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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