Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Someone came in the potted fern
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
