I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
