Too much gin, very little bucket
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
