last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize