it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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