I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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