Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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