I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
