i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I need to calm my uterus...
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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