she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
