well you can't waste a boner
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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