Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You dont lie about slip and slides
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize