Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
