I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
