I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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