He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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