I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
