he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
