So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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