I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
