I wish I could punch you in the face.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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