i already hear my dad disowning me
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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