the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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