My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Floor bacon is actually really good
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
