We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
