I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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