I need help removing her.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
