you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize