why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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