Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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